my book

i am writing a book, and though i know noone will read this entry, or my book for that matter, i must write this down somewhere,
i cannot think right, i just cannot
my thoughts are jumbled up
my insides hurt, for it is more frightening to write a book than read one,
and to write about abuse in a relationship is very hard for me to do, i have never experienced such a thing, and i believe i will never.
but what if this book causes me to be weary of the ones i love?
what if every time i say something to them i worry they may take offence and take it out on me,
i know i am in love, and i know the one i love would never harm me, even if i asked. but maybe i will worry too much.
this book i am writing, its no good for my brain, just like an actor or actress who gets into character so well, have trouble sleeping at night, like Heath Ledger.

and i wonder how shall i end the book....should he kill himself? should she leave him?
i do believe that the best ending for my readers (dear i say it) is indeed the suicide, but i'm not convinced that that is the best ending for me.
i am afraid that this book may never end, because i'm so busy, and it already affects me greatly, maybe i will stop my pursuits to become a writer and just stick to what i know,
ahh it feels a lot better having this all down, even though i know that no one will be seeing this entry.